Sound the bell. School's in, sucka

I heard Can't Touch This on the radio today and decided that line of the song would be a very fitting title.

So, awhile back, I decided to keep my FB status politically neutral. I've done a good job, but my head is about to explode. It turns out, it is bad for my health to remain non-offensive. I have a big mouth and alot to say. So, here are all the things I've been holding back since January.

1. Welcome to the age of pharma-driven government-run healthcare you mindless bunch of sheep. All are going to suffer so a few can prosper. So, so wrong. We had free healthcare. Its called Medicaid.  Now we are all going to have crappy rationed healthcare. Thanks Democrats!

2. If you can't tell me why you love Obama without referencing SNL, Family Guy, or free stuff- go back to your hole and quit voting. You are useless to society and we would all be better off if your equally ingorant parents hadn't reproduced.

3. I will light myself on fire if John Mellencamp run for or wins any election. Being a loudmouth musician qualifies you for nothing other than being a loudmouth musician. If having a lot of opinions makes you ready to run for the senate, than sign me up. Btw, Mellencamp- why don't you quit smoking because your child wants you to, rather than making him get a million people to join your FB group. Just saying...that's pretty awesome parenting.

4. Charity should not be a government mandate. I believe in charity and I give to the causes that are important to me. But, I hate funding social programs that do more to enable the lazy, than to help the needy. When my grandma was young, if someone had to go on welfare, they were mortified. They would work as hard as they could to get back on their feet and become self-sufficient once again. Sadly, those days are gone. People no longer want a hand up, they want a hand out.

5. You cannot be a Bible believing Christian and be pro-choice. They are contradictory. If you think God condones abortion, you may want to re-read your Bible. You may have missed something.

6. My grandmother's generation really was "The Greatest Generation." They earned that title. They know what it is like to have nothing, they understand patriotism and how important it is to be united and make sacrifices in war time, and they have never felt entitled a day in their life. Each generation since has just gotten progressively worse. Teach your kids the right things and hold them accountable!

7. If you can't name the speaker of the house, the senate majority and minority leaders and discuss at least one relevant current affair, I probably hate you.

8. To those I probably hate: I think it must be nice to have no opinion. To just sit back and see what happens because you trust the nation is in good hands. To be completely carefree and just live your life.  It would probably cause me far less stress, far fewer enemies and would allow me to sit back and be fat, dumb and happy- as my grandmother would say. Stupid above average IQ!

9. Al Gore is the most ridiculous person on the planet. Well, he's at the top anyway. Global warming is a load of crap. If you believe it, read my previous post "An Inconvenient Truth." Get the facts and quit listening to what the TV tells you to believe. The TV is lying to you! If you say the words carbon footprint to me, you will probably get a roundhouse to the head. That is if I could do a roundhouse. Ok, fine, but I would totally do it in my mind!

10. Although I do love gossip magazines, I despise most celebrities. Something about becoming famous alters your perception of reality and causes you to have delusions of grandeur. I'm certain I am not only a better person than most, if not all, celebrities I'm about 25 IQ points smarter. So, quit telling me what to believe, what's right and what's wrong. You know less than I do.

11. All through the Bush administration we heard, "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." It seems the Dems don't feel that way now that they are in power. They have chosen to mock the "tea-baggers" rather than applaud their patriotism. Funny how that works. Btw, if you think Thomas Jefferson said that then you are an idiot. It was said by a liberal historian who apposed the war on terror.

12. Do what you want with the people in Gitmo, but don't let them go. Keep them where they are, send them to a Mexican prison where they will be malnourished and find out what abuse really is, waterboard them until they die. I don't really care. But, so help me, if they release the 9/11 mastermind- who will no doubt, set out to kill us once again- I am seceding from the Union. Trotter and I will start our own country on our 5 acre plot of land. People attempting to immigrate illegally will be shot on site. Unless you have Girl Scout cookies. Those sound really good.

So, I feel better. I'm sure I've offended a good number of people- democrats, pro-choicers, Mexican prisons- and it felt good.

If I offended you, I'm probably not sorry.

I'm going to leave you with the wise words of my father, "The government is so corrupt, it makes the mafia look like a church group."