Walking dogs for a baby?

So, I always show up on here when I need to get emotions out of my head. Its like an online diary I shamelessly share with the world. Good thing that doesn't bother me.

As everyone on the planet now knows we have been trying, quite unsuccessfully, to have a child. Last week was 9 years on the nose. When you spend that long living in a state of grief, you become a professional at hiding how you feel for the sake of the world around you. No one likes a Debbie Downer. The world wants you to just suck it up and move on. And that's exactly what I pretend to do. And it's gotten somewhat easier. Thankfully, the ugly crying, knee buckling, soul crushing disappointment that came around every single month subsided after the first 5 or so years. As a matter of fact, a lot of the emotional baggage that comes along with infertility has gotten much easier to tote around as the years go on. Except one thing. The lack of hope. Every year we get another year older and the dream of having our own child gets further out of reach. By about 35, after our last failed IVF, I had officially depleted all my stored reserves of hope. And I've just been running on fumes the past few years, borrowing little bits from family/friends here and there. But still, at my core, completely and utterly with out hope. Until now. For the first time in many, many years, I have a renewed sense of hope. And all I had to do was give up the white knuckle, control freak, death grip I have on my life.

In all of these years of praying (read: sobbing and begging) for a baby, for answers, for some kind of direction, I refused to listen to the very clear answer I kept getting- "I've got this." (Yes, my God says things like "Stay in your lane, I've got this" Let's just keep moving). I feel as though if I don't keep a death grip on every single thing in my life, it will all just spin out of control. I need to steer the direction of absolutely everything. Even things that are irrelevant. I am the true definition of a control freak. But, miraculously, I had a break through this week. I had some time to take a step back and look at things from a broader angle and see how each barrier, each one of my failed control freak decisions, has still managed to move me to the same outcome. Despite my valiant effort to keep running things off in the ditch, God has patiently kept me on the road, moving forward, waiting for me to finally catch on. And so a few nights ago, I decided I'm going to let go. It's time to give up control. With me at the helm, we've gotten absolutely nowhere. What makes me think I know what I'm doing anyway? Am I really prideful enough to believe that I'm going to do a better job at this? I'm not. And I wouldn't. So, today is week 1 of a death grip free Jodi. And however my life spins off, I have faith that it will spin the way it is supposed to. I just have to get out of my own way.

It is a very different feeling when you follow God's plan, instead of your own. There is more confidence in your decision making. And so, I'm feeling very confident in this new plan that's been put in front of me to help us finally have a child. There is just one more hurdle. And I know that if I'm indeed heading the right way, God will remove it. Which is probably why I felt so compelled to write this. While this new path I'm on is without a doubt the least expensive thing I've done in the pursuit of a child, it still requires disposable income that we don't have right now. So, I'm throwing out once last pitch to see if anyone needs their dogs walked a few times a week- or any of the other things RB does. (www.retrobettys.com) Hence the weird title of this blog. Dog walking for a Trotter baby. That's what I'm doing. The more money I'm earning, the faster I can move things along. Patience has never been one of my virtues. But, if I'm not able to get my RB business up to a FT work load, I will give up this dream in pursuit of a much bigger one and go back to the "normal" work force. Having a child is my #1 goal. But, Betty is without question my number 2. I LOVE what I do and I hate to give it up when I've gotten about 3/4 of the way up this hill. But, I will do it if that's what it takes to make us parents.

Mother's Day

I'm glad yesterday is over. Mother's Day sucks for a lot of people. For people who have lost their mother or child, this day can be a reminder of grief. For people who have a bad relationship with their mother, this day can be a reminder of that discontentment. And for people who are battling infertility, this day is a reminder of that longing. A neon flashing sign that your life is incomplete. In your heart you are already a mother, but your reality doesn't reflect that. And there is zero you can do about it.

It's not that I don't like Mother's Day. It's not that I'm bitter or envious of those who can joyfully celebrate it. It's just a painful reminder. A reminder that my life isn't what I wanted. A reminder of the grief I battle for someone I've never even met. A reminder that if it ever really does happen, we will be the old parents. The ones that get mistaken for grandparents at soccer games. A reminder that we are so far behind, the window to catch up is just about closed.

I don't want to take away from the spirit of Mother's Day. I think it is great there is a day set aside to appreciate mothers. I'm thankful for a day to appreciate my amazing mom. And I'm thankful I have a husband who recognizes what's in my heart, even though my arms may be empty. I have a lot of to be thankful for. But, right now, I'm especially thankful yesterday is over.

Dogs, the plague, and my happiness

You know that feeling of panic you get when you decide to do something that is scary and overwhelming, but necessary to your well being? Well, I made one of those kind of decisions today...or at least decided to pull the trigger on it today. This decision has been years in the making. After Rosco died, I promised myself that I was going to start a foundation to help dogs in crisis. I laid a lot of the ground work and then just stopped. I had a brand new puppy and a brand new business and just got side tracked. However, it is very clear to me that my need to help dogs isn't something I can ignore. I have a purpose. A purpose I've been aware of since I was 7 years old. A purpose that God never let's me forget about. When life gets busy and I am doing nothing to help dogs, I'm not happy.

We stopped fostering 6 months ago. Trotter has made it pretty clear we aren't going to be fostering again. He thinks Beans would be afraid. This is the same Beans who comes home crusty because he spends his entire day at school with is head happily inside the mouth of a large dog. He's over it. Trotter clearly isn't. So, we aren't a fostering family anymore. But then what do I do with this hole in my soul?

This is the right time. I'm finally going to follow through on something that's been on my heart for many years. Today I will start the last phase of getting this non profit going- the St Roch Foundation. For the non Catholics in the room, St Roch is the patron saint of dogs. St Roch cared for plague victims. He eventually contracted the plague and went off into the woods to die. A local dog began to bring him food and lick his wounds, which eventually healed. This is why he is always pictured with a dog...and a gross knee wound. I did, however, chose a less leprosy-ish picture for this organization. Even though St Roch is also the patron saint of cholera and plague, I'm just going to focus on the dog part.

The focus of this organization will be to provide financial assistance to help dogs in crisis. Part 1: Shelters. We will provide grants to local shelters who need help paying for a rescue's necessary medical treatments, expenses to improve quality of life in permanently disabled dogs, and also for help with shelter improvements/expansion so that more dogs can be rescued. Part 2: Pet Owners/Good Samaritans. We will provide financial assistance to cover life saving medical treatments in dogs who have a good prognosis for a healthy life, but who's owner lacks the financial means to offer the needed care.

I will be spending the next 4-6 months selling my St Roch rosaries, bracelets, and necklaces, as well as St Roch and St Francis collars and tags. 100% of the money from these sales will go towards setting up the 501(c)3, incorporation, website, etc. In this time I will also be looking for volunteers who are as passionate about this as I am and would like to sit on the board. If that sounds like you, please let me know!

In the mean time, I would love you forever if you would like the facebook page here https://www.facebook.com/strochfoundation and even more if you'd like to join this cause.