During my hiatus, Trotter and I have gone from being hopelessly infertile to finally seeing a glimmer of hope. Thanks to a large donation left behind by my overly generous grandma, we finally have the opportunity to pursue IVF. Before having the money to do it, I struggled with whether or not it was the right thing for us. I felt as though I may have some moral objections to face, and because of that, I wasn't sure I wanted to do it. And although those are still quietly lurking around in the back of my head, once the money was in my lap, I could have cared less about those moral dilemmas. It turns out I'm willing to suspend what I believe in, in order to get what I want. Desperation will do that to you.
So, here we are amidst our first IVF cycle. About a month ago, I started loading myself up on the required drugs, getting myself nice and crazy. Honestly, I feel like I'm handling these meds better than I did the protocol I was on previously. Although, I am still having "moments"- I cry during shows that shouldn't be making me cry, I get irritated VERY quickly, and all my emotions are right at the surface. But, thankfully (for the people who have to spend time around me, more so than for myself), I'm not on the same crazy train I was on before.
My egg retrieval is right around the corner. This is the part where you get excited. Things are actually starting to happen when you get to the retrieval. However, in my case, there is no excitement building as we head towards it. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, my body is not responding the way it is supposed to. Curse you stupid body! Why can't you just do what’s asked of you? I've had it with your inability to be a team player.
My body is responding so poorly, in fact, that they wanted to cancel me. Thankfully, that idea has been abandoned and we are moving forward. I go back on Saturday for another ultrasound and more blood work. I'm hoping that all these prayers will be heard and we will get different news. Otherwise, our first attempt at IVF is looking pretty bleak.
While I am all too familiar with the absence of two lines on a test, I was holding out hope that this time would be different. My optimism in the face of repeated failure is astonishing. I'm not sure where it comes from but I'm thankful it is there. Otherwise, I'm certain I would have lost my mind years ago. So, despite the discouraging news, I'm not completely abandoning all hope. I do think it is time, though, to temper that blind optimism with a little bit of reality. It makes crashing back down to earth a little less painful.
But, I also need to keep in mind that this doesn't have to be by the book perfect in order for it to work. It is comforting to know that it is out of my hands and in the hands of somone with a little more skill and experience when it comes to creating life. And He doesn't require $30k and a lab full of professionals to make it happen.
