So, the other day I had lunch with a dear friend. She and her husband have been through a similar struggle. They tried for years to get pregnant and after continual heartbreak, finally had success with IVF. They are now headed back into IVF to conceive a second child.
I had three real concerns about IVF. Concerns that made me unwilling to consider this option.
1. THE COST. Starting at 10k for just one cycle- not including your meds and ultrasounds, which could easily rack up another $1500- it is a prohibitive amount of money. If I had to guess, I would say the average is probably 15-20k for a successful outcome.
2. THE DRUGS. Fertility drugs sent me into a tailspin like nothing I have ever experienced before. It was shocking to me how little control I had over my emotions. It made me a different person and I did and said things completely out of character for me. It took me a long time to get back to "normal" and I feel like taking the meds actually did more harm than good in my struggle to conceive.
3. THE LEFTOVERS. So, when you go through the IVF procedures, they can't (shouldn't) implant all the embryos. Say they retrieve 5 eggs and they are able to fertilize all 5. Someone like me, who has limited complications and would have a fairly high chance of success should only have 1-2 embryos implanted. What happens to the other 3? They will freeze them and save them to use if the first transfer isn't successful or use them for the next time you want to conceive. But, what if we are done after this first child? What happens to those 3? They are no less my children than the ones the doctor implanted.
Since my friend had been through all this before, I told her about my 3 concerns. After speaking with her, I am much more open to the idea of IVF.
The clinic she goes to actually has a program where you get 70% of your money back if you don't come home with a child. That eases that concern. I would spend every dime I have if I knew with absolute certainty it would give me what I want more than anything else in the world. The hard part of IVF is there is no guarantee. You can spend all of your money (and everyone else’s) and still be in the same childless boat you arrived in. That is scary. Knowing this clinic will give you a substantial portion back makes me feel a bit better about it.
I also learned that the medication protocol with IVF is different and less severe than the medications I was on previously. Despite my inability to conceive, my body works the way it is supposed to. I am able to ovulate every month; I naturally produce the hormones (at the appropriate level) necessary for follicular growth and to induce ovulation. My doctor had me flooding my body with an excess of synthetic versions of what my body was already producing. It seems that may not be the case with IVF or at least with this clinic.
And finally the biggest problem of the three. What to do with the extra embryos? Chances are, if there were excess embryos, Trotter and I would save them and use them in our next attempts to get pregnant. However, if God sees fit to give us multiples (which I am leery of and Trotter is excited about) and we decide we do not have the money, patience or desire to add to that chaos, then we are left to decide what to do with these frozen embryos. Our only choice would be to donate them. That is the right thing to do. However, I'm totally uncomfortable with it. Does that make me a selfish baby? Yes. But, I can't help it. The idea of someone else having my kids seems wrong. Would I constantly worry/wonder what became of them? Yes. But, I have to assume if someone is going to go through the expense of IVF they are normal decent people and are as desperate for a child as I am. What better thing to give to someone.
Ugh, I just thought of a new issue. What if my potential child meets and falls in love with my other potential child/donated embryo and it isn't until they have a horribly disfigured child that they realize they are actually brother and sister! My mother says I like to worry so much that I invent things to worry about. But this is a valid concern! I'll just tuck this away in my mental IVF "against" column.
Despite the new issue, I am actually starting to lean towards the idea of IVF after years of saying I don't want to do it. Trotter and I go back to the doctor July 13th. Based upon what he tells us about some other concerns we are facing, that will be what helps us decide whether or not we take a deeper look at IVF.
Just as a side note, I do realize airing all my business on the internet is weird, inappropriate and totally devoid of class. However, I like it. I find it cathartic. And the only people who read this are people who usually know all my business anyway. So, whatever.
I can't remember what I said in my last blog. Once I get it out of my head and throw it up on the internet, it is gone forever. But, I know it was about changes in my life. I am still motivated, like no other time in my life, to lose weight and get my body in a healthy place. So, I'm going to continue with that, continue to cut out the toxins in my life, go on vacation next week and then come back refreshed and ready to hear what the doctor says.
It is really exciting to finally be considering IVF. Did you know the very first IVF baby's birthday is December 28th. That's my birthday. Perhaps that is a sign. Based on research, I would have about a 50-65% chance of success. Compared to the 17-20% success rates of the other procedures, that makes me feel very optimistic. Like this painful journey may be coming to an end. I see a speck of light at the end of this barren tunnel. Thank God for that!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Mid-Year Resolutions
As I've mentioned before, my grandmother had a profound impact on my life. So, it only stands to reason, that her death would have an equally profound effect. Since her death, I've done a lot of self reflection and I'm not really happy with what I see.
I have the kind of personality where I love to focus on the negative. Remember the Garbage song "Only happy when it rains"? That song adequately sums up my personality. I'm a pessimist. I focus on the bad in people instead of the good. Anger and pain are much more comfortable to me than joy and happiness. What a miserable way to live your life. What a waste.
I'm an not a metaphysical person. What was that book? The Secret? Ya, I'm not into all that. But, I have noticed that what you put out into the world is what you get back. You put out negativity and that is all you get back. You think positive and positive things happen.
I'm not all that good at changing. People of my personality type (Capricorn, Melancholic, Type A- whatever you want to call it) never are. Though, I have noticed when I have to make a change, if I pretend long enough it becomes real.
In my early 20's, I got fat. Other than a brief chubby period around 5th-6th grade, I had never been fat. My entire sense of self was wrapped up in how I looked. All of a sudden, I didn't know how to interact with people. If I wasn't cute, why would they be nice to me? I became very socially awkward. Honestly, I was probably pretty socially awkward before I got fat. However, I must have distracted them with my skinny-ness because no one ever seemed to notice.
Once I got fat, I couldn't get by just on looks anymore, I had to have a personality and actually (shriek) speak to people. It was a nightmare come to life. It isn't that I don't like people, I just don't have anything to say. But, then people think you're rude and aloof. So, I had to force myself to talk to people. I had to learn small talk. I had to pretend like I was comfortable with all of it...and eventually I really did get comfortable with it. I don't have the kind of social anxiety I used to have. I pretended long enough that now I'm actually comfortable with who I am. I have a new identity- one that isn't tied to the way I look.
Using that same mindset, I'm going to make serious changes in my life. Things that will make me a better wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I will fake them until they become part of who I am. These are kind of like new year's resolutions, but in the middle of the year.
So, here are my mid-year resolutions:
1. I am going to make the choice to think differently. I want to be a more positive person. I realize this will devastate my sense of humor, since all I have is sarcasm. But, I will have to figure that out as I go.
2. I want to be a better wife. Rather than focusing on what I would like to improve in him, I need to focus on the things that make me so fortunate. I really have an outstanding husband and it is time I recognize that.
3. I want to break my addiction to chapstick. Not exactly life altering, but still a change that needs to be made. I think they lace chapstick with heroin.
4. I want to love myself. If someone compliments me, I think of 10 reasons why they are wrong. Until I feel like I deserve it, I will never stick to a new diet or exercise plan. The way I sabotage myself is pathological. It is time for that to end.
5. I want to wake up energized every morning and with the positive outlook I need to conquer all the things I want to do.
6. I want to detoxify my life. I will try to be at least 80% organic. I will switch all my cleaning and beauty products to safe versions as well. If you have ever read about all the poisons in the stuff we use and eat everyday, you would be horrified and less shocked when yet another person you know develops cancer. I've started and stopped this 100 times. Time to get serious.
It would make me feel better to have an even 10. I could probably make up 4 more, but they wouldn't be sincere. So, I'm stopping here. All of this seems overwhelming because they are just ideas and not concrete plans. I just need to choose different. Make a different choice each day- everyday, until it becomes a natural part of who I am.
I have the kind of personality where I love to focus on the negative. Remember the Garbage song "Only happy when it rains"? That song adequately sums up my personality. I'm a pessimist. I focus on the bad in people instead of the good. Anger and pain are much more comfortable to me than joy and happiness. What a miserable way to live your life. What a waste.
I'm an not a metaphysical person. What was that book? The Secret? Ya, I'm not into all that. But, I have noticed that what you put out into the world is what you get back. You put out negativity and that is all you get back. You think positive and positive things happen.
I'm not all that good at changing. People of my personality type (Capricorn, Melancholic, Type A- whatever you want to call it) never are. Though, I have noticed when I have to make a change, if I pretend long enough it becomes real.
In my early 20's, I got fat. Other than a brief chubby period around 5th-6th grade, I had never been fat. My entire sense of self was wrapped up in how I looked. All of a sudden, I didn't know how to interact with people. If I wasn't cute, why would they be nice to me? I became very socially awkward. Honestly, I was probably pretty socially awkward before I got fat. However, I must have distracted them with my skinny-ness because no one ever seemed to notice.
Once I got fat, I couldn't get by just on looks anymore, I had to have a personality and actually (shriek) speak to people. It was a nightmare come to life. It isn't that I don't like people, I just don't have anything to say. But, then people think you're rude and aloof. So, I had to force myself to talk to people. I had to learn small talk. I had to pretend like I was comfortable with all of it...and eventually I really did get comfortable with it. I don't have the kind of social anxiety I used to have. I pretended long enough that now I'm actually comfortable with who I am. I have a new identity- one that isn't tied to the way I look.
Using that same mindset, I'm going to make serious changes in my life. Things that will make me a better wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I will fake them until they become part of who I am. These are kind of like new year's resolutions, but in the middle of the year.
So, here are my mid-year resolutions:
1. I am going to make the choice to think differently. I want to be a more positive person. I realize this will devastate my sense of humor, since all I have is sarcasm. But, I will have to figure that out as I go.
2. I want to be a better wife. Rather than focusing on what I would like to improve in him, I need to focus on the things that make me so fortunate. I really have an outstanding husband and it is time I recognize that.
3. I want to break my addiction to chapstick. Not exactly life altering, but still a change that needs to be made. I think they lace chapstick with heroin.
4. I want to love myself. If someone compliments me, I think of 10 reasons why they are wrong. Until I feel like I deserve it, I will never stick to a new diet or exercise plan. The way I sabotage myself is pathological. It is time for that to end.
5. I want to wake up energized every morning and with the positive outlook I need to conquer all the things I want to do.
6. I want to detoxify my life. I will try to be at least 80% organic. I will switch all my cleaning and beauty products to safe versions as well. If you have ever read about all the poisons in the stuff we use and eat everyday, you would be horrified and less shocked when yet another person you know develops cancer. I've started and stopped this 100 times. Time to get serious.
It would make me feel better to have an even 10. I could probably make up 4 more, but they wouldn't be sincere. So, I'm stopping here. All of this seems overwhelming because they are just ideas and not concrete plans. I just need to choose different. Make a different choice each day- everyday, until it becomes a natural part of who I am.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Grief and other such emotions
My grandma, who had a huge hand in shaping who I am, passed away on Wednesday. People lose grandparents all the time. You feel sorry for them for a minute and then you go on. You don't really consider the gaping hole that has been left in their lives. I'm as guilty of that as anyone. It isn't until it happens to you that you expect everyone to be as devastated as you are.
I didn't have one of those grandma's who live somewhere else and you only see them on holidays. I've seen her nearly every day of my life. She was an integral part of our family.
It has been a difficult week. Since last Friday, when she started refusing food and water, I started having difficulty sleeping, eating and started getting sick every time I did try and eat. Because I knew we were headed toward the end and I wasn't ready for it. I'm not very good at showing emotion. The control freak inside of me hates to cry in front of people. I stuff it all down, which is probably why I'm having such physical reactions to the grief.
On Wednesday afternoon, I stood by her bedside, held her hand, and watched her take her last breath. It was such an overwhelming experience that it almost feels surreal- like I dreamed it.
But, today is Sunday and I'm starting to come out of that fog. I've just kind of been a robot going through the motions of each day. I try to be as strong as I can during the day when I'm with everyone and then spend all night crying. However, the funeral was yesterday, that was the last stressful event in this horrible process. Now we just start to pick up the pieces.
As I'm coming out of this fog, I'm noticing my devastation and heartbreak are turning to anger. I realize this is a stage of the grieving process, but I'm surprised at how quickly I got there. It is probably because anger is such a comfortable emotion for me. I prefer it to sadness. It puts me back in control. Immediately after the funeral, I was in a rage. We hadn't even left the cemetery yet. It took the car ride from the cemetery to the church for me to work through who exactly I was angry with- people I thought were my friends. At that point everything was over, there were no more chances for these people to come through.
I don't feel as if I expect too much out of people. I don't expect people to treat me any differently than I treat them. When someone I consider a friend suffers such a loss, I do what I can. I always send flowers, cook or show up at the viewing. Sometimes all three. Even if I don't know the person who's gone, I do it for the ones left behind.
There are a handful of people I'm upset with. People I know knew about what had happened to my grandma, people who knew her very well, and also people I assumed were good friends. I think this made it very clear where I stand with these people. Maybe we were not friends the way I thought we were? So, it made it very easy for me to delete two of them- not only from facebook- but from my life overall. Done. I really want to delete the rest of these people, but I'm not. These people I certainly no longer consider a friend, however, I can easily shift them to casual acquaintances- who I probably don't like, but have to see occasionally.
If my grandma felt like someone hurt me, she hated them right along with me. So, I'm done with these people. My emotions are all at the surface right now. I'm raw. So, perhaps, I will regret this at another time. But for now, I'm cutting my circle of friends way down. Two people in particular I have cut out completely and about 10 more have been bumped from someone I consider a friend to just acquaintances.
My cousin, Judy, put it very well. She said you're world has stopped and you can't imagine how there's is still going on. So, I'm resisting the urge to be mad at people who owed me nothing who have gone one as if nothing happened. Because I've noticed the couple times I've gotten on FB since last Friday, I'm irritated with the stupid things people talk about. I recognize that is irrational and I put myself in check immediately. But, being mad at these specific people, referenced above, that is real and valid and I won't apologize for it.
I have my family, my husband and a best friend. That's all I really need. Honestly, that's all I can handle right now. So, if I withdraw from you, even though you really were there for me this past week, I apologize in advance. I just need to escape from life for awhile and try to heal. Life is kind of difficult for me right now. I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life, one without someone who had a huge hand in raising me, and I'm not sure what that life will look like. I need to go away, figure it out and find a way to put things back together.
I didn't have one of those grandma's who live somewhere else and you only see them on holidays. I've seen her nearly every day of my life. She was an integral part of our family.
It has been a difficult week. Since last Friday, when she started refusing food and water, I started having difficulty sleeping, eating and started getting sick every time I did try and eat. Because I knew we were headed toward the end and I wasn't ready for it. I'm not very good at showing emotion. The control freak inside of me hates to cry in front of people. I stuff it all down, which is probably why I'm having such physical reactions to the grief.
On Wednesday afternoon, I stood by her bedside, held her hand, and watched her take her last breath. It was such an overwhelming experience that it almost feels surreal- like I dreamed it.
But, today is Sunday and I'm starting to come out of that fog. I've just kind of been a robot going through the motions of each day. I try to be as strong as I can during the day when I'm with everyone and then spend all night crying. However, the funeral was yesterday, that was the last stressful event in this horrible process. Now we just start to pick up the pieces.
As I'm coming out of this fog, I'm noticing my devastation and heartbreak are turning to anger. I realize this is a stage of the grieving process, but I'm surprised at how quickly I got there. It is probably because anger is such a comfortable emotion for me. I prefer it to sadness. It puts me back in control. Immediately after the funeral, I was in a rage. We hadn't even left the cemetery yet. It took the car ride from the cemetery to the church for me to work through who exactly I was angry with- people I thought were my friends. At that point everything was over, there were no more chances for these people to come through.
I don't feel as if I expect too much out of people. I don't expect people to treat me any differently than I treat them. When someone I consider a friend suffers such a loss, I do what I can. I always send flowers, cook or show up at the viewing. Sometimes all three. Even if I don't know the person who's gone, I do it for the ones left behind.
There are a handful of people I'm upset with. People I know knew about what had happened to my grandma, people who knew her very well, and also people I assumed were good friends. I think this made it very clear where I stand with these people. Maybe we were not friends the way I thought we were? So, it made it very easy for me to delete two of them- not only from facebook- but from my life overall. Done. I really want to delete the rest of these people, but I'm not. These people I certainly no longer consider a friend, however, I can easily shift them to casual acquaintances- who I probably don't like, but have to see occasionally.
If my grandma felt like someone hurt me, she hated them right along with me. So, I'm done with these people. My emotions are all at the surface right now. I'm raw. So, perhaps, I will regret this at another time. But for now, I'm cutting my circle of friends way down. Two people in particular I have cut out completely and about 10 more have been bumped from someone I consider a friend to just acquaintances.
My cousin, Judy, put it very well. She said you're world has stopped and you can't imagine how there's is still going on. So, I'm resisting the urge to be mad at people who owed me nothing who have gone one as if nothing happened. Because I've noticed the couple times I've gotten on FB since last Friday, I'm irritated with the stupid things people talk about. I recognize that is irrational and I put myself in check immediately. But, being mad at these specific people, referenced above, that is real and valid and I won't apologize for it.
I have my family, my husband and a best friend. That's all I really need. Honestly, that's all I can handle right now. So, if I withdraw from you, even though you really were there for me this past week, I apologize in advance. I just need to escape from life for awhile and try to heal. Life is kind of difficult for me right now. I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life, one without someone who had a huge hand in raising me, and I'm not sure what that life will look like. I need to go away, figure it out and find a way to put things back together.
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