How to Suck at Getting Pregnant

Listen little children and you shall hear
of something much scarier than a yearly papsmear.
Injections that cause expanding waistlines
and cameras that go in where the sun doesn't shine.
Surgeries and doctors and extended bed rest.
All to end up with a negative test.
With dreams dashed, you talk to your honey.
Lets just try again. Oh wait, we are out of money.

A little IVF poem for you all. I should take that little gem to Def Poetry Jam...if it still existed.

Today I am going to tell you all how to suck at getting pregnant. Step 1- be me. End of blog.

I kid, I kid. Although there are days (many, many days) when that feels true. I prefer self deprecation to self pity. So, here is how to suck at getting pregnant.


Step 1- Spend teen years and early 20s with a paranoid fear of getting pregnant

Step 2- Fall in love and get married. Be utterly convinced you will become pregnant immediately.

Step 3- Buy so many pregnancy tests, ovulation predictor kits and fertility aids that everyone who has ever shopped at CVS recognizes you and knows what you are up to.

Step 4- Everyone now knows you are trying to get pregnant and can't. Your family, friends, co-workers, pets and complete strangers all have the "perfect" trick to get you pregnant.

Step 5- Decide you need medical assistance. Fork over a year's salary and start fertility injections. Try to be nice to people even though the injections have made you evil enough to devour their soul.



Step 6- Go to doctor everyday for 2 weeks so they can empty and test all of the blood in your body.

Step 7-  You inject yourself multiple times everyday, spend more time than you would like pants-less at the doctor, become increasingly uncomfortable and agitated, go through retrieval surgery, embryo transfer and days upon days of bedrest. Husband...sits and watches.

Step 8- Begin the 2 week wait to find out whether or not the procedure worked. Pretend like you are listening to people and not thinking about being pregnant.

Step 9- Get the call you've been waiting two weeks for and find out you suck at getting pregnant. 

Repeat this process until you:

1. Get pregnant

2. Spend all your money and have to live in a box

3. Lose your mind and are committed.



If I Ruled the World *in my best Lauren Hill singing voice*

Ok, so when I sing, I sound nothing like Lauren Hill. And honestly, I'm too tired these days to consider taking over the world. But, I had a revelation today as to why I couldn't, even if I wanted to.

I've always suspected that women are the more intelligent of our species. But, why then, are WE not the ones in charge? The captains of industry? The ones making all the important decisions? I've discovered the answer...Hormones! Ours work against us, while men's make them more powerful. It is a cruel, cruel joke.

Here is the basis of my theory. Men's bodies are flooded with testosterone. A hormone that makes them motivated, aggressive and dominate. All things necessary to take over the world. Women are fully capable of these traits, until one thing comes in and wrecks it. Pregnancy hormones. Once these bad boys get released into her system, the female becomes a forgetful shell of what she once was.

This revelation occurred to me this morning as I remembered yet another thing I had forgotten to do. It is very unsettling to have so little control over your neural processes. I used to remember everything! I didn't need to write things down, my brain could handle a very lengthy list of to do items. I was on top of everything. But, sadly that person is gone- at least for now. Although I'm not pregnant, the hormones I've injected myself with have fried my brain just the same.  All my friends have told me "pregnancy brain" can last until the child is a toddler. Even worse, some never recover.

So, I started thinking. That is quite an effective way to maintain the upper hand. Way to go, men. Although you didn't think of it, it is quite genius...and the only thing keeping you in power. If the average woman has 2 children, you've morphed her far superior brain into nothing more than a gelatinous holding place for at least the next 8 years of her life- possibly longer. Quite a scheme, indeed.

So, while those of us who lack a Y chromosome are busy making sacrifices to ensure the continuation of our species, men get to go out and take over. But, for my own amusement, here is a small list of why women would be much better at ruling the world, and would most likely be doing so,  if it weren't for the effects of pregnancy brain.

-We are not immune to subtly. Men require flashing neon signs. Women can read between the lines. Foreign diplomacy would be a breeze.

-We are not insecure about the size of our genitalia. And because of this, we do not need to defend every threat to our superiority. Looks like someone just saved 80 billion dollars in the defense budget.

-We are biologically programmed to be better communicators. Not only verbally, but non verbally. We can say everything that needs said with our eyes. We don't even have to open our mouths. It is a great way to conserve energy.

- A woman can completely assess an individual simply by looking at their shoes. Thank you CIA background check, but we've got it.

So, enjoy your time at the top, men. As soon as the medical community finds a cure for pregnancy brain, you're finished.

Author's Note:
This post is obviously a joke. Something that entertained me for a few minutes. So, please do not post any variation of the following comment, "Having a child is wonderful and worth any detour in my plot for world domination." Because it will make me hate you delete you from FB.