Unanswered Prayers

I am battling a fever today, so apologies if this lacks clarity or my normal snarky wit.

Memorial weekend we were with friends, casually discussing my new business, and someone said something along the lines of "without your struggle to conceive, this business may have never happened." It is something I haven't been able to quit thinking about. It was something that hadn't even crossed my mind until that moment. Had we gotten pregnant anytime over the past 7 years, Retro Betty's would never have come into being.

It has been my struggle to conceive that has shown me how much strength and determination I actually have. It has been my struggle to conceive that pushed me into years of research that has given me the knowledge base I would need for this type of business. It has been my struggle to conceive that has shone a spotlight on a problem that needs fixed. And it is my struggle to conceive that drives my ravenous desire to educate everyone I come into contact with about the things they are unknowingly being exposed to.

I've always tried to keep in mind that God uses trials for good. I secretly knew that these years of torment would teach me a valuable lesson or serve some greater good. But, I sort of resented that. I didn't want a lesson, I didn't want to learn anything, and I didn't want to be the person who uses her heartache to help others. I just wanted to be a normal person. A normal person with a baby.

It has just been over the past week and a half that I have been able to look at something that seemed so unfair from a different side. A side that helps it make sense. Things that seemed random and unrelated now all tie together and have built something that never would have existed without my heartache.

I'm not throwing in the towel and saying this realization has changed what I want. It hasn't. I would give up anything to be able to have a child. But, it is comforting to feel like your pain has a purpose. It lights a fire. It pushes me to share what I know with as many as I can.

Retro Betty's is something out of nothing. It came into being on its own. It isn't something I pushed to create. It's something that was given to me. I now believe it is something that God had in store for me all along. The speed at which it has grown shocks me. And I'm still just scratching the surface. There isn't a doubt in my heart that nurtured correctly, it will grow into a largely successful company. Maybe it is my consolation prize?

Even though I didn't get what I wanted, and may never get it, I've been given something wonderfully rewarding to focus on. For right now, that is enough.