Tests Suck!

So, I have a big test coming up tomorrow. Unfortunately, not the kind the requires studying. My life would be so much easier if I could study for this test. That puts the control back in my hands. If I knew my actions could control the outcome of this test, life would be so easy. However, such is not the case.

Tomorrow is 14DPO. For those not in the infertility club, that means 14 days past ovulation. Again, for those people who haven't had to learn about ovulation since 8th grade health class-- it takes exactly 14 days after ovulation for a woman to start her period. It is the time of month when my dreams are dashed and I have to start all over again.

Some months- most months- I'm confident that I'm not pregnant. I'm able to "be cool" about the whole thing. This is not one of those months. This is one of those months where I'm so confident that I AM pregnant that I don't want tomorrow to come. Tomorrow will ruin everything.

It has been a fun week feeling like I'm pregnant. To get a small taste of what I want so bad. But, sadly, my body has done this to me before. It changes and creates symptoms that make me hopeful. And then day 14 rolls around and that hope goes into the trash can along with the negative test. Tomorrow this fun week of make believe is over and I will get an uncomfortable dose of reality.

People have told me recently that now that my grandma is in heaven, she will send me a baby. Although I really like that idea, I know that isn't how it works. I don't believe God will all of a sudden think it is a good idea simply because grandma tells Him it is. He's got a plan. In His time means in His time. Even if you have someone advocating for you at His place. Although I would like to, I don't believe that is going to make it happen any sooner.

So, it all comes down to tomorrow. I feel like I should stay positive because you get what you put out into the world. If I keep saying it will be negative, than it will be negative. If I stay positive and believe this time I know the test will be positive, I think that can only help. But, I also need to protect my heart. I need a way to be let down easy. If I put all my eggs in the positive basket...then what.

Anyway, I've got less than 24 hours to still pretend to be pregnant. So, I'm done thinking about tomorrow. I'll deal with it when it gets here. But, as always, prayers are appreciated!