5 Things You Should Never Say to the Infertile Woman

I'm having a bad day today. The past few weeks have been a struggle. Actually, the past 5 years have been a struggle. However, these past few weeks it's all I can think about.


My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 5 years now. It is weird. It seems like it hasn't been that long and seems like a 100 years- all at the same time. We've had every test known to man and there isn't a thing wrong with either of us.

We've tried everything but IVF at this point- all the at home cures, fertility drugs and procedures, and lastly Chinese medicine. I have to say the Chinese medicine has been my favorite so far. It has been the only one where I actually felt like I was helping my body rather than poisoning it.

Chinese medicine focuses on healing your entire body and restoring it rather than just focusing on the area of concern and forcing it to work with pills like Western medicine usually does. A Traditional Chinese Medicine physician would tell me that I am not getting pregnant because my body is a hostile environment not conducive to carrying a child. I still believe that, but I've abandoned the TCM now too. I thought taking the herbs, doing the acupuncture, following all the TCM rules about a yang deficiency would magically fix my problem. I don't like to wait for things. So, I try for a short time and then quit. So, now I've given up on that too.

Right now I'm trying (emphasis on trying) to eat a healthy balanced diet in the hopes that I'll lose weight and that will be the magic cure. However, for whatever reason, it doesn't matter what I do, the weight never comes off. I am not meant to be a fat person. I still think like a skinny person- whatever that means- she's still in my head. And I'm always confident that the next diet or next exercise regimen will bring that skinny girl back out to the public. But, I haven't been successful so far and I've spent the last 10 years fat. So, I should probably just resign to the fact this fat girl is here to stay.

But, losing weight is my last magic cure to have a baby. So, what do I do? Sit here and continue to spin my wheels in lose weight mode or just give up completely? Waste even more time. I'm 34, the clock is ticking. Women lose 90% of their eggs by the age of 30. By the time they hit 40, they only have 3% left. I'm right in the middle of those two statistics. If I hope to have more than 1 child, I better find that magic fix...and soon!

I'm not ready for IVF. I'm not a fan of the fertility drugs. I am trying to avoid going back on them at all costs. You need them for IVF. My second issue with IVF- the costs. Is it really a smart decision to spend all that money when there isn't anything wrong with either of us? If we were given a definitive diagnosis and were told it was absolutely necessary, I would feel differently. I just can't accept that we need IVF.

I pray all the time for the answer, but I just can't find it. I think I'm forcing my own will in place of God's. I have a picture of how I want things to be and it is hard for me to accept anything that falls outside of that. I don't feel like IVF is right for us and I don't want to adopt. There has to be another solution and I'm still waiting for God to make that clear to me. I know He feels my pain, so it is hard for me to understand why He is making me wait so long. But, just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. So, I will continue to wait for that answer- as long as it takes. Even though days like today kinda suck.

Some helpful information for those of you who have friends or a family member going through a similar struggle. As a public service to these women, I will provide a list of things never to say to them. Although I am by nature a fairly intolerant person, these things below don't usually send me into a rage. I understand when people empathize with you, they really want to find something comforting to say. You can't be mad at them for that. But, just so you know, these things could cause you to get your eyes scratched out by a less understanding infertile woman. Just a warning.


1. " Just Relax". I have no control over the fact that I can't have a baby. I'm not causing it. But, thanks for implying that I am. Just relax is stupid. And so is any variation of it, "Just go on vacation" etc etc.



2. "We have the opposite problem. If my husband even looks at me, I get pregnant." Ohhh, is that what we are doing wrong!?! I didn't realize he only had to look at me!? It should be legal to hit those people. News flash: that is a cruel thing to say to someone who can't get pregnant.



3. "Why don't you just adopt" Because I'm not ready to give up my dream. Why don't you just quit your job and become a carnie?



4. "Quit trying and then it will happen" or "Stop thinking about it and it will happen" Obviously spoken by someone who has never gone through this struggle. "Hey, you have cancer? Aww well, stop thinking about it. It will go away." Not anymore logical to assume it works on infertility.



4. "Oh, I understand, it took us X amount of months to get pregnant." No, you don't understand. Spending months trying to get pregnant is frustrating. Spending years trying to get pregnant, changes who you are.



5. "Take mine" Thanks, but I don't want your kids. I probably don't even like your kids. Ok, that one was mean. But, it made me smile a little bit.

Don't Squeeze the Charmin

So, I don't normally watch commercials. Thanks to the greatest invention of our time- TiVo- I am no longer forced to watch the stupid crap these companies churn out. However, there are times when it can't be avoided- at other people's houses, while watching live sporting events, etc. So, I feel the need to call out those commercials that are especially annoying.



- Those freaking Charmin bears. Bring back Mr Whipple, please!! I HATE those bears! Their most recent commercials are very disturbing. It focuses on Charmin's ability to leave no specs of toliet paper behind. In my 34 years of life, I have never had left over toilet paper stuck to my butt. Is this really a problem for people? So much so, that they have an entire ad campaign devoted to it? I don't get it and I find it annoying.


- The Stanley Steamer commercial where the dog rubs his butt across the floor. No one likes it when their dog does that, but really woman? She screams TOBEY as if the dog is mauling her kid. He's scooting his butt on the floor, not ripping your kids arms off. Perspective please.


- That new Croc's commercial that talks about how they massage your feet. Those little computer generated orange blobs with faces that massage that woman's feet scare the hell out of me. I'm not sure why, but they are terrifying. Please remove that commercial from circulation.


- Flo! I know people like her. She is slightly amusing. But, I've had enough of her. If we have to have their commercials, I guess I'll take more of the gecko or the cave men. Wait...is that even the same company? Hmph...well who cares. Their commercials are all lost on me.


- Go Daddy commercials. I'm sure I am not their target demographic. Perhaps that is the problem. I understand that big boobs and sexual innuendo get men's attention. However, if you are going to do it, do it like the beer commercials used to. It is less offensive. And really...Danica Patrick is not that hot.


- The Unique Doors and Windows guy that buys the entire hour during Dr Phil. I TiVo Dr Phil daily. So, I don't know what this guy says because I am usually watching him in fast forward. But, fast forward does not erase the image of his helmet hair from my brain. Get a haircut, Blago!


-Extenze Male Enhancement. I'm fairly certain this product focuses on increasing size rather than fixing ED- although they never come right out and say it. I have alot of issues with these commercials, the most disturbing- Jimmy Johnson is their spokesperson. Really!?! Jimmy Johnson!?! He's like 100. Who wants to hear their grandfather talk about his junk? Not this girl!


-Speaking of male genitalia. I hate that Viagra commercial where the guy talks to his reflection about his ED problem on the way to the doctor. Can you imagine how horrifying this is for the person on the other side of the window!? Boys- if you are going to discuss ED with yourself- stick to your bathroom mirror.


- Lawyers & Plastic Surgeons. If you have to advertise during Judge Judy- you probably suck. Save your money, no one is interested.


I'm sure as soon as I post this, I will think of 100 more. But, I'm going to stop because I'm noticing a theme. Alot of body parts involved in the commercials above.