Super Beans

I need an outlet for how I'm feeling. So, I decided to blog. Given the fact that the 6 hours of sleep I've had over 5 consecutive nights was full of nightmares and given my high levels of anxiety and continued panic attacks since Beans was hurt- I am assuming at this point I'm dealing with some kind of post traumatic stress. I'm hoping this will provide me the outlet I need to release some of this and start sleeping again. With that being said, I am really quite amazed at what the body can withstand. The mothering instinct is strong and allows you to do things you wouldn't normally be capable of. My body doesn't seem to care that Beans and I are not of the same species. I am his mother nonetheless and my body has kicked in to beast mode allowing me to function (fairly normally, I think) with virtually no sleep and a couple days with zero food. It's impressive what the human body can do. But, what is even more impressive is what God is doing in Beans little 25lb body.

We had a follow up appointment with the vet today. Everyone is impressed that Beans has come so far in just a few days. But what has amazed everyone the most is that he survived. This type of attack isn't usually survived. There was no indicators of a dog fight. Just pure kill strike. Puncture wounds only to his throat. She was trying to kill him. I don't know how Beans survived the attack itself. It doesn't make sense that she would stop attacking. I don't know if Beans went limp and she thought he was dead or if the attack stopped when she heard the garage door go up. All I know is any longer and Beans would not have made it. Miracle #1. It seems everyone at the vet's office agrees that Beans surviving the first 24 hours after the attack was pretty surprising. Given the type of attack and the injuries he sustained, it is amazing he survived not only the attack itself, but the severe injuries after. Miracle #2.

Beans is a special dog. When we got him we were at 6 full years of failed pregnancies, failed IUI's, and failed IVFs. He became the outlet I needed for all my pent up mothering. It did not matter that he was a dog, it didn't matter that I didn't give birth to him, it didn't matter that people thought I was crazy. I was his mother and he was my child. He came into my life at the exact moment I needed him. He saved me from losing my mind. I've always loved every dog I've had like a member of my family. But, with Beans it was different. We are bonded in a totally different way.

That is why this has been the most traumatic, difficult experience of my life. And I've been through tradgedy. I lost my brother under horrific circumstances and I lost my grandmother who was an integral part of my life. Those experiences were horrible and painful. But, this is pain, guilt, sickness, anxiety, and misery on a whole different level. Maybe it just feels that way because this is current and the pain of those experiences is not as fresh in my mind. Maybe it is because I feel directly responsible for Beans' suffering. I'm the one person on this planet who would lay my life down for him and I let this happen to him. I brought the monster into our home. Maybe that is what is making this tradedy feel so impossible to overcome.

I'm trying to focus on the positive. He survived. He doesn't seem to have any brain injuries. He's healing from his puncture wounds very quickly. But, then I look at him and see him struggle to walk. I see his inability to lift his head. The trauma to his throat has taken away his ability to vocalize. Everytime he drinks water, he aspirates some because of the damage to his throat. My spunky, funny, silly little boy is gone and may never come back and I could have prevented the whole thing. The course of his life is forever changed because I failed him.

For those who were kind enough to pray for Beans, I ask that you please continue. I'm convinced that is the only thing that has gotten us this far. But, we've still got a long road ahead of us. I feel like I'm pushing it asking for more. Look at how much we've already been given- he survived an unsurvivable attack, he's healing so fast. Is it okay to keep asking for more or should I just be content he's made it this far? I just need my old Beans back. So, I'm going to keep praying for him. Please pray that he doesn't have permanent nerve damage in multiple areas of his head and neck. Please pray that this laryngeal paralysis is only temporary. Please pray that he doesn't develop pneumonia. Please pray that he doesn't live with a life long fear of other animals because of this. Please pray that he comes out of this the same sweet, loving, funny, intellegent, athletic boy he was before. I just need him to be okay.