5 Things You Should Never Say to the Infertile Woman

I'm having a bad day today. The past few weeks have been a struggle. Actually, the past 5 years have been a struggle. However, these past few weeks it's all I can think about.


My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 5 years now. It is weird. It seems like it hasn't been that long and seems like a 100 years- all at the same time. We've had every test known to man and there isn't a thing wrong with either of us.

We've tried everything but IVF at this point- all the at home cures, fertility drugs and procedures, and lastly Chinese medicine. I have to say the Chinese medicine has been my favorite so far. It has been the only one where I actually felt like I was helping my body rather than poisoning it.

Chinese medicine focuses on healing your entire body and restoring it rather than just focusing on the area of concern and forcing it to work with pills like Western medicine usually does. A Traditional Chinese Medicine physician would tell me that I am not getting pregnant because my body is a hostile environment not conducive to carrying a child. I still believe that, but I've abandoned the TCM now too. I thought taking the herbs, doing the acupuncture, following all the TCM rules about a yang deficiency would magically fix my problem. I don't like to wait for things. So, I try for a short time and then quit. So, now I've given up on that too.

Right now I'm trying (emphasis on trying) to eat a healthy balanced diet in the hopes that I'll lose weight and that will be the magic cure. However, for whatever reason, it doesn't matter what I do, the weight never comes off. I am not meant to be a fat person. I still think like a skinny person- whatever that means- she's still in my head. And I'm always confident that the next diet or next exercise regimen will bring that skinny girl back out to the public. But, I haven't been successful so far and I've spent the last 10 years fat. So, I should probably just resign to the fact this fat girl is here to stay.

But, losing weight is my last magic cure to have a baby. So, what do I do? Sit here and continue to spin my wheels in lose weight mode or just give up completely? Waste even more time. I'm 34, the clock is ticking. Women lose 90% of their eggs by the age of 30. By the time they hit 40, they only have 3% left. I'm right in the middle of those two statistics. If I hope to have more than 1 child, I better find that magic fix...and soon!

I'm not ready for IVF. I'm not a fan of the fertility drugs. I am trying to avoid going back on them at all costs. You need them for IVF. My second issue with IVF- the costs. Is it really a smart decision to spend all that money when there isn't anything wrong with either of us? If we were given a definitive diagnosis and were told it was absolutely necessary, I would feel differently. I just can't accept that we need IVF.

I pray all the time for the answer, but I just can't find it. I think I'm forcing my own will in place of God's. I have a picture of how I want things to be and it is hard for me to accept anything that falls outside of that. I don't feel like IVF is right for us and I don't want to adopt. There has to be another solution and I'm still waiting for God to make that clear to me. I know He feels my pain, so it is hard for me to understand why He is making me wait so long. But, just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. So, I will continue to wait for that answer- as long as it takes. Even though days like today kinda suck.

Some helpful information for those of you who have friends or a family member going through a similar struggle. As a public service to these women, I will provide a list of things never to say to them. Although I am by nature a fairly intolerant person, these things below don't usually send me into a rage. I understand when people empathize with you, they really want to find something comforting to say. You can't be mad at them for that. But, just so you know, these things could cause you to get your eyes scratched out by a less understanding infertile woman. Just a warning.


1. " Just Relax". I have no control over the fact that I can't have a baby. I'm not causing it. But, thanks for implying that I am. Just relax is stupid. And so is any variation of it, "Just go on vacation" etc etc.



2. "We have the opposite problem. If my husband even looks at me, I get pregnant." Ohhh, is that what we are doing wrong!?! I didn't realize he only had to look at me!? It should be legal to hit those people. News flash: that is a cruel thing to say to someone who can't get pregnant.



3. "Why don't you just adopt" Because I'm not ready to give up my dream. Why don't you just quit your job and become a carnie?



4. "Quit trying and then it will happen" or "Stop thinking about it and it will happen" Obviously spoken by someone who has never gone through this struggle. "Hey, you have cancer? Aww well, stop thinking about it. It will go away." Not anymore logical to assume it works on infertility.



4. "Oh, I understand, it took us X amount of months to get pregnant." No, you don't understand. Spending months trying to get pregnant is frustrating. Spending years trying to get pregnant, changes who you are.



5. "Take mine" Thanks, but I don't want your kids. I probably don't even like your kids. Ok, that one was mean. But, it made me smile a little bit.