Mid-Year Resolutions

As I've mentioned before, my grandmother had a profound impact on my life. So, it only stands to reason, that her death would have an equally profound effect. Since her death, I've done a lot of self reflection and I'm not really happy with what I see.


I have the kind of personality where I love to focus on the negative. Remember the Garbage song "Only happy when it rains"? That song adequately sums up my personality. I'm a pessimist. I focus on the bad in people instead of the good. Anger and pain are much more comfortable to me than joy and happiness. What a miserable way to live your life. What a waste.

I'm an not a metaphysical person. What was that book? The Secret? Ya, I'm not into all that. But, I have noticed that what you put out into the world is what you get back. You put out negativity and that is all you get back. You think positive and positive things happen.

I'm not all that good at changing. People of my personality type (Capricorn, Melancholic, Type A- whatever you want to call it) never are. Though, I have noticed when I have to make a change, if I pretend long enough it becomes real.

In my early 20's, I got fat. Other than a brief chubby period around 5th-6th grade, I had never been fat. My entire sense of self was wrapped up in how I looked. All of a sudden, I didn't know how to interact with people. If I wasn't cute, why would they be nice to me? I became very socially awkward. Honestly, I was probably pretty socially awkward before I got fat. However, I must have distracted them with my skinny-ness because no one ever seemed to notice.

Once I got fat, I couldn't get by just on looks anymore, I had to have a personality and actually (shriek) speak to people. It was a nightmare come to life. It isn't that I don't like people, I just don't have anything to say. But, then people think you're rude and aloof. So, I had to force myself to talk to people. I had to learn small talk. I had to pretend like I was comfortable with all of it...and eventually I really did get comfortable with it. I don't have the kind of social anxiety I used to have. I pretended long enough that now I'm actually comfortable with who I am. I have a new identity- one that isn't tied to the way I look.

Using that same mindset, I'm going to make serious changes in my life. Things that will make me a better wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I will fake them until they become part of who I am. These are kind of like new year's resolutions, but in the middle of the year.

So, here are my mid-year resolutions:

1. I am going to make the choice to think differently. I want to be a more positive person. I realize this will devastate my sense of humor, since all I have is sarcasm. But, I will have to figure that out as I go.

2. I want to be a better wife. Rather than focusing on what I would like to improve in him, I need to focus on the things that make me so fortunate. I really have an outstanding husband and it is time I recognize that.

3. I want to break my addiction to chapstick. Not exactly life altering, but still a change that needs to be made. I think they lace chapstick with heroin.

4. I want to love myself. If someone compliments me, I think of 10 reasons why they are wrong. Until I feel like I deserve it, I will never stick to a new diet or exercise plan. The way I sabotage myself is pathological. It is time for that to end.

5. I want to wake up energized every morning and with the positive outlook I need to conquer all the things I want to do.

6. I want to detoxify my life. I will try to be at least 80% organic. I will switch all my cleaning and beauty products to safe versions as well. If you have ever read about all the poisons in the stuff we use and eat everyday, you would be horrified and less shocked when yet another person you know develops cancer. I've started and stopped this 100 times. Time to get serious.

It would make me feel better to have an even 10. I could probably make up 4 more, but they wouldn't be sincere. So, I'm stopping here. All of this seems overwhelming because they are just ideas and not concrete plans. I just need to choose different. Make a different choice each day- everyday, until it becomes a natural part of who I am.