The Long Barren Tunnel

So, the other day I had lunch with a dear friend. She and her husband have been through a similar struggle. They tried for years to get pregnant and after continual heartbreak, finally had success with IVF. They are now headed back into IVF to conceive a second child.


I had three real concerns about IVF. Concerns that made me unwilling to consider this option.

1. THE COST. Starting at 10k for just one cycle- not including your meds and ultrasounds, which could easily rack up another $1500- it is a prohibitive amount of money. If I had to guess, I would say the average is probably 15-20k for a successful outcome.

2. THE DRUGS. Fertility drugs sent me into a tailspin like nothing I have ever experienced before. It was shocking to me how little control I had over my emotions. It made me a different person and I did and said things completely out of character for me. It took me a long time to get back to "normal" and I feel like taking the meds actually did more harm than good in my struggle to conceive.

3. THE LEFTOVERS. So, when you go through the IVF procedures, they can't (shouldn't) implant all the embryos. Say they retrieve 5 eggs and they are able to fertilize all 5. Someone like me, who has limited complications and would have a fairly high chance of success should only have 1-2 embryos implanted. What happens to the other 3? They will freeze them and save them to use if the first transfer isn't successful or use them for the next time you want to conceive. But, what if we are done after this first child? What happens to those 3? They are no less my children than the ones the doctor implanted.

Since my friend had been through all this before, I told her about my 3 concerns. After speaking with her, I am much more open to the idea of IVF.

The clinic she goes to actually has a program where you get 70% of your money back if you don't come home with a child. That eases that concern. I would spend every dime I have if I knew with absolute certainty it would give me what I want more than anything else in the world. The hard part of IVF is there is no guarantee. You can spend all of your money (and everyone else’s) and still be in the same childless boat you arrived in. That is scary. Knowing this clinic will give you a substantial portion back makes me feel a bit better about it.

I also learned that the medication protocol with IVF is different and less severe than the medications I was on previously. Despite my inability to conceive, my body works the way it is supposed to. I am able to ovulate every month; I naturally produce the hormones (at the appropriate level) necessary for follicular growth and to induce ovulation. My doctor had me flooding my body with an excess of synthetic versions of what my body was already producing. It seems that may not be the case with IVF or at least with this clinic.

And finally the biggest problem of the three. What to do with the extra embryos? Chances are, if there were excess embryos, Trotter and I would save them and use them in our next attempts to get pregnant. However, if God sees fit to give us multiples (which I am leery of and Trotter is excited about) and we decide we do not have the money, patience or desire to add to that chaos, then we are left to decide what to do with these frozen embryos. Our only choice would be to donate them. That is the right thing to do. However, I'm totally uncomfortable with it. Does that make me a selfish baby? Yes. But, I can't help it. The idea of someone else having my kids seems wrong. Would I constantly worry/wonder what became of them? Yes. But, I have to assume if someone is going to go through the expense of IVF they are normal decent people and are as desperate for a child as I am. What better thing to give to someone.

Ugh, I just thought of a new issue. What if my potential child meets and falls in love with my other potential child/donated embryo and it isn't until they have a horribly disfigured child that they realize they are actually brother and sister! My mother says I like to worry so much that I invent things to worry about. But this is a valid concern! I'll just tuck this away in my mental IVF "against" column.

Despite the new issue, I am actually starting to lean towards the idea of IVF after years of saying I don't want to do it. Trotter and I go back to the doctor July 13th. Based upon what he tells us about some other concerns we are facing, that will be what helps us decide whether or not we take a deeper look at IVF.

Just as a side note, I do realize airing all my business on the internet is weird, inappropriate and totally devoid of class. However, I like it. I find it cathartic. And the only people who read this are people who usually know all my business anyway. So, whatever.

I can't remember what I said in my last blog. Once I get it out of my head and throw it up on the internet, it is gone forever. But, I know it was about changes in my life. I am still motivated, like no other time in my life, to lose weight and get my body in a healthy place. So, I'm going to continue with that, continue to cut out the toxins in my life, go on vacation next week and then come back refreshed and ready to hear what the doctor says.

It is really exciting to finally be considering IVF. Did you know the very first IVF baby's birthday is December 28th. That's my birthday. Perhaps that is a sign. Based on research, I would have about a 50-65% chance of success. Compared to the 17-20% success rates of the other procedures, that makes me feel very optimistic. Like this painful journey may be coming to an end. I see a speck of light at the end of this barren tunnel. Thank God for that!