Walking dogs for a baby?

So, I always show up on here when I need to get emotions out of my head. Its like an online diary I shamelessly share with the world. Good thing that doesn't bother me.

As everyone on the planet now knows we have been trying, quite unsuccessfully, to have a child. Last week was 9 years on the nose. When you spend that long living in a state of grief, you become a professional at hiding how you feel for the sake of the world around you. No one likes a Debbie Downer. The world wants you to just suck it up and move on. And that's exactly what I pretend to do. And it's gotten somewhat easier. Thankfully, the ugly crying, knee buckling, soul crushing disappointment that came around every single month subsided after the first 5 or so years. As a matter of fact, a lot of the emotional baggage that comes along with infertility has gotten much easier to tote around as the years go on. Except one thing. The lack of hope. Every year we get another year older and the dream of having our own child gets further out of reach. By about 35, after our last failed IVF, I had officially depleted all my stored reserves of hope. And I've just been running on fumes the past few years, borrowing little bits from family/friends here and there. But still, at my core, completely and utterly with out hope. Until now. For the first time in many, many years, I have a renewed sense of hope. And all I had to do was give up the white knuckle, control freak, death grip I have on my life.

In all of these years of praying (read: sobbing and begging) for a baby, for answers, for some kind of direction, I refused to listen to the very clear answer I kept getting- "I've got this." (Yes, my God says things like "Stay in your lane, I've got this" Let's just keep moving). I feel as though if I don't keep a death grip on every single thing in my life, it will all just spin out of control. I need to steer the direction of absolutely everything. Even things that are irrelevant. I am the true definition of a control freak. But, miraculously, I had a break through this week. I had some time to take a step back and look at things from a broader angle and see how each barrier, each one of my failed control freak decisions, has still managed to move me to the same outcome. Despite my valiant effort to keep running things off in the ditch, God has patiently kept me on the road, moving forward, waiting for me to finally catch on. And so a few nights ago, I decided I'm going to let go. It's time to give up control. With me at the helm, we've gotten absolutely nowhere. What makes me think I know what I'm doing anyway? Am I really prideful enough to believe that I'm going to do a better job at this? I'm not. And I wouldn't. So, today is week 1 of a death grip free Jodi. And however my life spins off, I have faith that it will spin the way it is supposed to. I just have to get out of my own way.

It is a very different feeling when you follow God's plan, instead of your own. There is more confidence in your decision making. And so, I'm feeling very confident in this new plan that's been put in front of me to help us finally have a child. There is just one more hurdle. And I know that if I'm indeed heading the right way, God will remove it. Which is probably why I felt so compelled to write this. While this new path I'm on is without a doubt the least expensive thing I've done in the pursuit of a child, it still requires disposable income that we don't have right now. So, I'm throwing out once last pitch to see if anyone needs their dogs walked a few times a week- or any of the other things RB does. (www.retrobettys.com) Hence the weird title of this blog. Dog walking for a Trotter baby. That's what I'm doing. The more money I'm earning, the faster I can move things along. Patience has never been one of my virtues. But, if I'm not able to get my RB business up to a FT work load, I will give up this dream in pursuit of a much bigger one and go back to the "normal" work force. Having a child is my #1 goal. But, Betty is without question my number 2. I LOVE what I do and I hate to give it up when I've gotten about 3/4 of the way up this hill. But, I will do it if that's what it takes to make us parents.